The last month has been really hard for me.  The last three months have been incredibly unusual.  When you get right down to it, what in the world has been going on in my life the last year that IS normal?

 I’ve been struggling with a lot lately.  I had to make a firm decision about whether or not to sign a contract to stay in Kenya with CRWRC for another year.  I had to try to determine God’s will, not my logic.  I had to struggle with a malfunctioning computer that seems to never get fixed.  I had to struggle with hearing from a long lost friend and not hearing from a close one.  I had to watch a couple of family members continue to struggle with their health from far away. 

The last three months has brought great turmoil, chaos and sadness to Kenya.  I didn’t escape that totally.  My heart aches to know that people can do such horrible things to one another.  My heart aches and my mind cannot comprehend in a way that I have never known.  I have watched my coworkers struggle and have walked through IDP (Internally Displaced Person) camps seeing with my own eyes and hearing with my own ears how people are hurting.  I have looked at my calendar and all of the dates marked busy with visitors only to see them crossed off as people delayed and cancelled their trips due to the instability of the situation at hand here.  I have wondered if I am really accomplishing anything at all in my job that I am supposed to be accomplishing.

I have looked at the calendar as the months approach that I know that I will be heading back home to the US.  The closer that time arrives the more homesick I become, I think. 

This world is not my own.  This job is not my own.  This life is not my own.

I forget that sometime and I struggle to gain control only to fail and allow my spirit to fall. 

I am making some decisions in my heart and mind that I pray are good and worthy.  Decisions that may be small but will free my heart and lift my spirit. 

It’s been a very difficult month as I have traveled from the Indian Ocean to the Ugandan border and back.  I’ve made 4-5 work trips this month alone, not to mention the couple of trips I made in Feb, both of which were emotionally charged as they related in some way to the post-election chaos (including my trip to Eldoret in previous posts).  I have had company in my home for the last month or two.  It’s been great to share my life with friends and I have really loved being the hostess.  I was even told that I would make a great Kenyan wife (he just said that because I cooked for him, trust me, I doubt that I can make a decent ugali, a staple in many Kenyan homes) which was an honor.

I have learned a lot but I am tired.  I am frustrated.  Some days I do not even know where to begin. 

The last year normal?  No, but what is normal?  I’m not the only one going through a ‘rough patch’ or time of big decision-making or a cultural experience unknown to me before (that would be what we call culture shock) or a touch of nostalgia for the good ol’ days (are they ever as good as we remember that they were?).

I haven’t blogged much lately and that makes me sad.  Sorry that my big re-entry was this but it’s where I am right now.  You, dear friends, are terrific readers and I appreciate you always checking in with me here or in email, on facebook or myspace.  I just wanted to let you know because you care enough to ask. 

Love and miss you all.

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